It’s been a while since we last wrote: been gathering stories but had no time to write. But now we’re back to talk about one of the community’s biggest taboos: interfaith dating.
“I’m Marrying My Non-Muslim Boyfriend”
During my Mukashafat writing hiatus since my last post, I encountered a case of interfaith dating tearing a family apart. My neighbor Seyed’s daughter Rahma came to visit on break from graduate school and announced to her parents (just before their Christmas trip to Pakistan!) that she is marrying her hitherto-secret boyfriend. In case you were wondering, Gregg (the young beau) is not a Muslim.
My wife heard the whole story via our daughter, who herself found out about it from Rahma’s younger sister. Seyed’s family is in turmoil. His wife can’t stop crying. She and Seyed stopped talking to Rahma and nearly kicked her out of their home.
Double-Life: Model Daughter & Secret Boyfriend
Rahma is 24 and about to finish her Mechanical Engineering degree. Until breaking the engagement news to her parents, she had been the model daughter. High-achiever, quiet and “modest”, Rahma was in reality living a secret parallel life in school. She met and started dating Gregg during freshman year. He is so in love that he decided to convert to marry his sweetheart, as she told him this is the only way they can be together.
Model Pakistani-American Family
Seyed (a microbiologist) and his pediatrician wife Humaira come from elite Pakistani landowning families. Their own marriage was arranged. Despite having lived in the US for over 35 years, they are still fundamentally Pakistanis. They go to the local NAIT-controlled mosque and assiduously attend ISNA’s conventions. They dutifully show up the meetings of their local chapter of APPNA. Their problem with their daughter marrying Gregg isn’t only about him not being Muslim (they’re unmoved by his planned conversion), but also by the fact that in their view he doesn’t come from a “noble” family… as if such a thing existed in America.
Interfaith Dating & Shame
Humaira in particular is shattered because she feels Rahma had committed the most unforgivable of sins: bringing shame to the family. Seyed seemed a bit less affected. He opened up to me a bit when we had lunch in the local Whole Foods over organic tilapia and green beans. Frankly I was surprised he even brought up the issue, and I had been reticent to probe. Seyed though wanted my opinion on the situation. I suggested it was a mistake to antagonize his daughter and her boyfriend. And that he should look at the upshot: the boy agreed to undergo conversion.
Gender Matters: Muslim Girls Marrying/Dating Non-Muslims
I was trying to offer him a common fix/exit because had the situation been reversed — meaning that it was a Muslim boy marrying a non-Muslim girl, there wouldn’t be any religious issue. Life is unfair as it is, and it’s even more unfair to a Muslim girl because of the refusal of our Traditionalists, as well as, Islamist mafia to accommodate modernity to allow Muslim girls to date or marry non-Muslim men.
Keep It Secret!
Seyed seems receptive but didn’t quite agree. He seemed more worried about his wife, who has been a wreck since the news broke. Seyed explained that Humaira would have preferred Rahma did whatever she had to do IN SECRET rather than really believing that openly marrying Gregg was an option for her family. The mother was essentially hoping that her daughter be a hypocrite, living one way while pretending to be something else in order to keep up appearances. Both parents were more obsessed with their honor and how their fellow Pakistanis would see them than the well-being of their daughter.
Interfaith Dating Is Part of Living in America
To be perfectly honest, I am not sure how I would react should my daughter bring a non-Muslim boy home and announce their engagement. But can we all certainly use an honest and open discussion about our daughters and their happiness. We have to recognize that we cannot impose our will on them, as they were raised in America as Americans with their God-given freedom. This was in the cards for any parents from the moment they immigrated here.
I will always love my daughter, honor or not. I keep telling myself I will not be like Seyed and Humaira. At least I hope so… but it won’t be easy.
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